Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Your dad touched me again.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
