there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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