Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
