You can't special order awesome
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
