Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
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