you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
