tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
