I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
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