Need sex. Gaining weight.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Randomize
