i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
