I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
