I smell stomach acid.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
