I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
So squirting runs in the family.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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