Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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