Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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