She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
