You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
