totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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