I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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