Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
she woke up with a sticky ear
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
