and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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