Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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