oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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