no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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