I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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