i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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