Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
