$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
