tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
