I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
