The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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