I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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