did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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