when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
