woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
