i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
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