when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
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