I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
