Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
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