She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
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