I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
View of Vancouver Bay is obscured though the greasy hand prints from fucking against the window. Tip maid well.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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