Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
I just threw up on my dentist
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
