Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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