Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I need to sanitize my soul.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
Randomize
