ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
don't judge my taste in strippers
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
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