Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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