I'm lost and stupid without you.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
