I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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