I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
