i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
