we're chasing vodka with high fives
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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