I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
