Just fell off a train. Bad.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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