I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
