just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
