chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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