i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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