I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
