Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Randomize
