At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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